Experiencing a Miscarriage & Processing Grief

Disclaimer the things written in this post come from my own personal experience. Each person is different and processes grief differently. Each miscarriage is different as well. 

In honor of the precious little feet that didn’t get the chance to walk through our garden. May you rest easy little one, knowing you are special, loved, missed and very wanted…

On March 21, Dylan took me to the ER for some abnormal symptoms I was experiencing. Little did we know that evening we would be told we were pregnant and sadly experiencing a miscarriage. It was a night filled with joy that quickly turned to grief.

It’s been over a week now and we’re still reeling and processing everything. What we do know is that God/Yahweh is faithful and constant. His peace that surpasses all understanding is felt. We’re trusting in him and his purpose.‬‬

As I have received so many messages from individuals caring, praying and even sharing their own personal experience with miscarriage. I feel led to share, that I’m okay. I know and understand that I will always carry this grief. That I will relive certain situations I’ve gone through during this past week. That I’m not angry with God/Yahweh or asking him why. I think of Job in some of those questions and comments I’ve received. 

I fully understand that I’m not okay due to my own strength, but through the strength that Yahweh/God has given me. This peace that I feel is supernatural and belongs to him. I have reflected on Philippians 4:7 so many times. “God’s shalom, passing all understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with the Messiah Yeshua.”

This week my mind has been on two topics… love and sacrifice. Two really hard things. The love my mind has pondered on so much is agapelove. It’s a love that is patient and kind. Love that does not envy, or boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. A love that does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love that always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. A love that never fails.

That same love that God/Yahweh has for us. Such love, like when God/Yahweh sent Yeshua/Jesus, his one and only son to die on the cross for our sins, and through belief in Yeshua/Jesus, we can be saved and spend eternity with God/Yahweh in heaven. This love and salvation is not earned through good works or personal righteousness but is a free gift from God/Yahweh. This is the love that has been constantly on my mind. 

Then there’s sacrifice, the wind catches in my throat has I type the word. There has been an individual I met briefly in all of this. Without this situation we wouldn’t have met. Little do they know; I have prayed over them so much. I personally feel as if God/Yahweh gave me a vision of this person. That isn’t something I say lightly… I have simply continued to pray and ask for guidance on the steps I feel being led to take. To share the gospel in a certain manner in which I’ve never been asked to before. There just aren’t good words to put into the spiritual things I am feelings. 

BUT, I trust God/Yahweh to guide me. I know that he will never leave me nor forsake me. That he can use all things for his good. To simply walk in faith knowing he has a purpose in all this. That I am strong enough to endure this heartache and pain, not of my strength but of his

In having a family and children hard conversations need to be had sometimes. Especially in experiences of loss and grief. Their feelings need to be validated and they need to be provided a safe place to ask their questions, same as us. This experience isn’t something we’ve gone through before. We are walking through it together as a family. Having the conversations and grieving together. 

“Our oldest daughter Ellie, who’s 8 came to me and asked with tears in her eyes, why God/Yahweh allows hard things to happen. I wrapped her in my arms and gave her a warm hug. I held her face in my hands and said, “Honey I don’t know. What I do know is that God/Yahweh is faithful. We go through hard situations in life because they can mold and shape us.”

Our kids enjoy watching ‘Blown Away’ on Netflix. (It’s a glass blowing competition show.) I mentioned how the artist could represent God/Yahweh and we’re the glass. I asked her the different steps in shaping the glass. She shared each step in the show. Then I said, “Can the glass be shaped without the fiery oven?” Ellie responded with “No, it needs the heat in order to kind of melt and take a shape.” I told her that if we’re the glass God/Yahweh places us in hard situations (fiery oven) sometimes so that we take on a different shape or we get refined, meaning the ugly bits comes off. It’s even how different colors get added. It’s hot and hard, but its where new things take shape.

She stood there and pondered for a moment, slowly understanding the meaning of it all. She hugged me and I told her that I knew without a doubt that this hard loss we’re experiencing right now will turn into something beautiful. Even if we don’t get to see the end result… only God will. That we just need to trust in his purpose and plan, even if it’s hard and painful. 

One could say our family is currently in that fiery oven being forced into hot and uncomfortable heat. We together are choosing to be shaped in that fire. To stand together knowing God/Yahweh has a reason for it. Understanding that we might not get the answer as to why right now and that’s okay. We aren’t angry with God/Yahweh for allowing this to happen to us. We have faith and understand that he loves us. That he gave us our emotions and feelings. That we will grieve well and morn for what we have lost. We will continue standing together as a family and keep going on this journey of life…  

If you have/are experiencing a miscarriage or know someone who has. Please know that you aren’t alone and are prayed for. That you are loved and cherished by our Heavenly Father. Turn to him and allow him to mend your aching heart. It’s not easy to do, but possible. Lay it all down at his feet. Allow him to hold and care for you. 

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore, we are unafraid, even if the earth gives way, even if the mountains tumble into the depths of the sea, even if its waters rage and foam, and mountains shake at its turbulence. (Selah)” – Psalm‬ ‭46‬:‭1-3‬‬


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