As the warmer days become more frequent, the garden season feels just within reach. It’s a time that brings so much joy and fulfillment. We were lucky enough to have our first truly warm day, so I made sure to take full advantage of it and headed out to my medicinal herb garden. I knew the wooden fence needed some attention—weather, goats jumping on it, and some wood rot had taken their toll.
Last garden season, unfortunately, I didn’t spend much time in this space. Early in 2024, I experienced an unexpected miscarriage. The medicinal garden became a resting place for our baby. As the gardening season unfolded, I found I just didn’t have the emotional or mental energy to tend to the garden or even be in this space. Grief took its hold, and I chose to lean deeper into my relationship with God.
On this beautiful, warm day, I sat on my glider, taking in the garden. Leftover dead plants were scattered about, the mulch was torn up from the chickens scratching, and the plastic weed covering had been lifted and blown around. My gaze naturally rested on our baby’s resting place. Sitting there, 30 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby, I allowed my emotions to flow freely.
Taking a deep breath, I stood up, grabbed the drill, and headed towards the fence to begin the task of mending it. But it didn’t take long for me to realize the fence didn’t need mending at all—it needed a full replacement.
Replacing the fence had never crossed my mind, but in that moment of emotion and disappointment, I couldn’t help but think of grief. How it comes in stages, how it’s expressed so differently by each individual. We can’t live life without experiencing grief and loss. They’re simply part of the human experience. What truly matters is how we handle the heartache and hurt that come with it.
At times, it feels like a never-ending cycle, but in reality, when we lean into God—resting, trusting in Him—He breaks that cycle. He smooths over the aching wounds and offers comfort. I’ve learned that it’s important to “grieve well”. That looks different for each person.
As I approach the end of our rainbow baby pregnancy, I also find myself nearing the one-year anniversary of the baby we lost. It’s a deep mixture of emotions, heavy and complex, but I know they’re never too heavy for God.
As Dylan and I replace this garden fence, we’re honoring both of our little ones—the one who’s been laid to rest and the little one we will soon hold in our arms. Together, we’re riding this rollercoaster of emotions, letting God lead the way with our healing, united as one.
Through this journey of grief and hope, I’ve learned that God remains at the center of it all. He holds us through the hardest moments and guides us with His unwavering love. As we mend the fence and prepare to welcome our rainbow baby, we are reminded of His faithfulness, grace, and the peace He offers in the midst of life’s storms. No matter the pain or the joy, we trust that He is leading us toward healing, and we rest in the assurance that He holds our hearts—both in the sorrow and the celebration.
If you’re walking through grief, I want to encourage you that you are not alone. Even in your deepest pain, God sees you, He understands your heartache, and He is with you, offering comfort and strength. Take it one step at a time, leaning into Him, trusting that He will carry you through. There is hope, even when it feels out of reach, and in the right time, He will bring healing. Keep holding on to Him—your heart will find peace in His presence.
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore, we are unafraid, even if the earth gives way, even if the mountains tumble into the depths of the sea, even if its waters rage and foam, and mountains shake at its turbulence. (Selah)” – Psalm 46:1-3
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